Dear Conversationalists,
Vagina week continues… Tomorrow’s paid post will look at research-backed items you can put in your vagina, including the latest research on combatting Bacterial Vaginosis (BV), yeast infections, and how to keep your self-cleaning oven of joy healthy and happy.
In case you missed it, researchers asked over a 1000 women how they liked to be touched, and boy, did they get specific.
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I was busy writing when my daughter screamed, “Mom, I got my period, and my vagina is buuuuurning!”
You can bet I leaped into action.
“Yeah, yeah, settle down, you little banshee. Mommy is trying to write.”
“No, Mom. I mean it. My vagina is really burning! I think it’s the pad.” she moaned.
“Dearest love, we have been through this before. Unless you stuck the menstrual pad into your vaginal canal, your VULVA is burning. Not your vagina.”
“No. Mom. I am serious. Something is wrong,” she pleaded.
My daughter tends to be a bit dramatic (I don’t know where she gets it from), so I calmly replied, “Yes, it’s tough being a woman. Menstruating blows. Now stop your whining, and let me write.”
“Mom, Pleeeeeeeease. It hurts!!!!!”
Since death by vagina fire would be a horrible way to go, I decided to investigate. I went into the bathroom and saw the floral-decorated package of menstrual pads on the counter. I picked it up to examine it closely.
It read, “Infused with lavender and mint.”
“Christ on a nonphallic stick! What is this nonsense?”
At this point, my daughter was crying and hopping from one foot to the next as if a swarm of killer bees was stinging her lady bits. I immediately got her into the shower and hosed her down.
She promised never to buy herbal-infused menstrual pads again.
Ok, feminine hygiene companies, let’s get something straight. Menstrual pads do not need lavender or mint. Sure, mint is great for keeping the deer away from your tomatoes, but a herd of deer is not going to launch a woodland attack on any woman’s nether regions.
I just can’t. I can’t believe we continue to let feminine hygiene companies shame us into believing our self-cleaning oven of joy is dirty?
As if Goop’s vaginal steaming, jade eggs, and coffee ass enemas were not enough, now our vaginas need to smell like a pack of gum. Do you know what also loves mint? Bacteria.
These herbal infusions can disrupt your vaginal pH and cause vulvovaginitis —an irritation and inflammation of the skin. Then, one minute you have mint crotch and the next…Dante’s vaginal inferno. (I wanted to title this article “Dante’s Vaginal Inferno,” but I was afraid it would scare away the kids.)
The problem is the mucous membranes in the vagina and vulva rapidly absorb chemicals without metabolizing them. Aside from irritation, research has found that this rapid absorption can interfere with estrogen signaling. Many cancers — breast, ovarian, prostate, and acute myeloid leukemia — have been linked to disrupted estrogen signaling.
The most tragic example is the thousands of women who got ovarian cancer from Johnson & Johnson talc powder. Yet these feminine hygiene companies continue to peddle shame and endanger women’s lives.
Here are a few more unsafe things women must stop putting in their vaginas.
1. Any douche
The bacteria in your vagina have a heartfelt request — please stop killing us. We are your friends, and friends don’t walk up to friends and murder them with floral scents.
Douching kills off the friendly bacteria in your vaginal ecosystem. The bad bacteria can then multiply and cause bacterial vaginosis (BV) and yeast infections.
Research shows that one specific bacterium helps maintain a healthy vaginal flora — the lactobacillus species. Lactobacillus inhibits the pathogenic bacteria that cause BV. But when you douche, you flush away this good bacteria.
Think of your vagina and vulva like a beautiful gilded frame. What happens when you scrape off the gold? It’s not pretty underneath, right? Stop messing with your gold.
2. Steam
The same holds for the latest Goop craze of vaginal steaming. Steam also kills off the healthy bacteria and allows the baddies to throw a party in your lady bits.
Goop also claims that steaming your vulva with mugwort balances hormones. It does not.
There is some research that mugwort — used in moxibustion — helps correct breech presentation. But I will assume you are not carrying a breeched baby when you step into a spa to get your vagina steamed.
Do you know what mugwort is really great at? Repelling insects. So grow it in your garden. Not your vaginal garden.
3. A jade egg
In 2018, Gwyneth Paltrow had to shovel out more money for yet another Goop lawsuit. This time she made false claims that her jade eggs would “increase vaginal muscle tone, hormonal balance, and feminine energy in general.”
Let’s start with the muscle tone claims. You do not need an egg to perform Kegel exercises. If women were meant to walk around and use their pelvic floor muscles to hold rocks inside them, then we would pee standing up, and our vaginas would tear apart feral animals.
Kegel exercises can help with vaginal muscle tone (when done correctly.) They strengthen the pelvic floor to prevent incontinence and lead to stronger orgasms. Who doesn’t want stronger orgasms?
Unfortunately, as I learned after months with my pelvic floor specialist, kegels are not as simple as chest presses and crunches. To do them correctly, you must contract and release. And with many women, Kegels can worsen pain because the pelvic floor is too tight. (If you suspect you have any pelvic floor dysfunction, see a pelvic floor specialist.)
The best way to learn how to do Kegels is to feel if you are doing them right. And by “feel,” I mean to insert a clean finger and practice.
Here are some tips:
Lie down and place your hand on your abdomen. You do not want to engage your abs, so be aware if you are clenching your stomach.
Now, pretend you are about to fart in the middle of giving an important presentation. You should feel your pelvic floor lift. Hold that contraction for 3 to 5 seconds.
Now relax for 3 to 5 seconds.
Repeat for 15 reps.
The wonderful thing about Kegel exercises is that you can do them anywhere, and no one knows. I am doing them right now…without rocks in my vagina.
Ms. Paltrow also advises women to sleep with a jade egg inside their vaginas. Please don’t do this. Jade is a porous stone. You know what loves cracks and crevices? Bacteria. When you insert a porous stone into your vagina, you set up a breeding ground for bacteria.
4. Vaginal melts
Vaginal melts are the latest dumbass thing women are told to stick in their vaginas. These melts are solid suppositories that dissolve in your vagina to treat vaginal dryness. What is far more disturbing is they have gone viral on TikTok as a way to make your vagina taste like a “Strawberry Kiss, Blueberry Bliss, or Sweetly Peach.” And no, they are not FDA-regulated.
Ok, for the last and final time…vaginas are not supposed to taste like fruit. They're supposed to taste like a vagina. And any man who doesn’t like that taste can go to a yogurt bar instead of your pleasure palace.
But if your vagina does have a strong odor, please don’t mask it with fruit. Go to your gynecologist and get that checked out. Odor can be a sign of bacterial vaginosis (fish smell), an overgrowth of yeast (bread smell), or a host of other infections.
And in case you are wondering…nothing has been invented yet to melt over men’s balls.
Vaginas are not supposed to taste like fruit. They’re supposed to taste like a vagina. And any man who doesn’t like that taste can go to a yogurt bar instead of your pleasure palace.
5. Any food items
No, that yogurt-soaked tampon will not cure your yeast infection. And that clove of garlic is not a cure for BV. And yes, chocolate syrup is delicious, but it also contains sugar. You know what loves to feed on sugar? Bacteria. (Are you catching a theme?)
Yes, putting food in your vagina can change the pH. It can change the pH enough to cause a raging infection. So save the icing for your cake.
6. Unsafe lubes
Avoid lubes that contain parabens, petrochemicals, DEA, glycerin, methylisothiazolinone, Nonoxynol-9, or fragrance.
Glycerin is a byproduct of sugar. So lubes containing it will feed bacteria, and that may cause an overgrowth of yeast.
Nonoxynol-9 is just too harsh. In some people, it causes inflammation and irritation. It also kills both the good and bad bacteria. And whenever you napalm bombs your microflora…infections can incur.
Never use baby oil as a lube. It contains petroleum — otherwise known as crude oil. Petroleum is a wonder for propelling vehicles and paving streets. It is not so great in your vagina. One study found that using baby oil as a lubricant doubled the risk of bacterial vaginosis and yeast infections.
7. Unwashed toys
Clean your sex toys before and after each use unless you want to grow a petri dish of bacteria. And make sure to buy a cleaner specifically designed for cleaning toys. Many soaps contain fragrances that can irritate delicate vaginal tissue, and household cleaners can damage sex toys.
8. Crystals
The latest new-age woo-woo is sticking crystal wands in your vagina to “cleanse the womb of bad energy.” Care of these products is easy. To clean the wand, the crystal must be charged via moonlight or saltwater.
Ah, not exactly. Like the yoni eggs, crystals are porous. And when you have a porous object, you have a breeding ground for bacteria. So unless you want a microbial Burning Man festival in your love tunnel, nix the crystal wands.
Do you know what cleanses? A shower. Or try bathing under a waxing moon while Venus is in Libra.
9. Vaginal “washes”
When medical experts finally managed to convince women that douches were a no-no, the sneaky companies swooped in with their marketing tricks, rebranding their products as “vaginal washes." Even Oprah recently endorsed a new “vaginal spritz.” As if our vaginas are a head of lettuce needing a grocery store mist.
Now, don’t get me wrong. It’s great that douches are becoming less popular. With douching, water, vinegar, fragrances, and a host of alien chemicals are blasted into your vagina. These chemicals can disrupt the vaginal microflora — the microorganisms that colonize your vaginal botanical garden and protect it from infection. Basically, douching washes away the good bacteria needed to fight infections.
Consequently, douching makes vagina owners more susceptible to infections. One recent pilot study found that women who stopped douching were less likely to have bacterial vaginosis — a condition caused by an overgrowth of bacteria that leads to a distinct fish odor.
These companies have women’s hoo-has trapped in a vicious cycle. A woman uses a douche to get rid of the fish odor. So she napalm bombs her vaginal microflora leading to…more fish odor.
Now, according to the shame peddlers, “vaginal washes” are for external use only.
Let’s review. The vagina is internal. The vulva is external. Here is a handy visual.
So why don’t feminine hygiene companies call them vulva washes? Come on, corporate douche-selling marketing executives. Repeat after me.
Vulva.
Vulva.
Vulva.
It’s a vulva wash.
Women might get confused if you misidentify which body part it is intended to clean. They might even clean their vagina with your vaginal wash. And then we are right back where we started with this douching nonsense.
Bottom line, only use vaginal washes on your vulva — the labia majora, labia minora, clitoris, urethral opening, etc.
10. Sea sponges
The latest menstrual product alternative is natural sea sponges. The manufacturers of these products claim they are a “natural alternative to synthetic tampons.”
Pleeeeeease.
I can’t believe I am about to write this, but…please don’t put an aquatic animal in your vagina. Sure, sea sponges are filter feeders that clean water, but they have no interest in cleaning your vagina that doesn’t need cleaning.
Bestselling author of The Vagina Bible, Dr. Jennifer Gunter, warns that, unlike cotton tampons, sea sponges are not tested for harmful ingredients. Consequently, they can contain Staph aureus — the bacteria that produce toxins causing toxic shock syndrome. And unfortunately, there isn’t a safe way to clean a sea sponge.
If you wouldn’t reuse a porous commercial sponge on your countertops, why not give your vagina the same respect?
Gunter is further concerned about how sea sponges absorb liquid. Unlike thin tampons, they increase in both length and width. It’s the width part that is problematic. When a woman tries to dislodge the widened sponge, abrasions can occur. Now we have a scrub brush in our self-cleaning oven, not a sponge. Ouch.
11. Period Underwear
I have some bad news if you prefer period underwear to pads and tampons. In January 2020, Thinx period underwear was found to contain dangerous per- and polyfluoroakyl substances (PFAS). In January 2023, Thinx settled a class action lawsuit and agreed to reimburse customers for past underwear purchases.
PFAS are no joke. These chemicals are known as “forever chemicals” because they accumulate in the environment and people’s bodies. PFAS have been linked to “period irregularities, ovarian disorders, high blood pressure in pregnant people, and risk of low birth weight in babies exposed in utero.”
So unless you want your reproductive system to be a forever chemical dumping ground, pass on period underwear with PFAS.
12. Ice cubes
If you want to shame your nether regions, look no further than TikTok — the bastion of stupidity. The latest TikTok trend is to stick an ice cube in your vagina to make it tighter.
These are the kids who stuck their warm tongues on icy flag poles and never learned.
Please do not put ice cubes in your vagina. To start, it won’t make your vagina tighter. Do you know what makes your vagina tighter? Arousal. As discussed previously, when the genitals are engorged with blood, the clitoral bulbs expand and narrow the vaginal canal. So try gazing at Jaime Camil instead of freezing your bits.
Ice can also disrupt your vaginal pH — a crucial component of a healthy vagina. A quick science review…The pH scale ranges from 0 to 14. A pH of 7 is neutral. A pH less than 7 is acidic, and over 7 is base.
Your vagina is happiest with a slightly acidic environment — a pH of around 4. An acidic environment protects the vagina by creating a barrier that prevents unhealthy bacteria and yeast from multiplying too quickly and causing infection.
The pH of water is around 7. So when you freeze your vagina, you can disrupt its pH.
If only we could declare the vagina a hazard-free zone, then women wouldn’t be bombarded with these absurd trends. (And I wouldn’t have to keep writing these articles.)
Until then, let’s keep the marine life in its natural habitat, the crystals around our necks, the ice cubes in the freezer, and the mint where it belongs — in our gardens.
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Carlyn Beccia is an award-winning author and illustrator of 13 books. Subscribe to Conversations with Carlyn for free content every Wednesday, or become a paid subscriber to get the juicy stuff on Sundays.
